i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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