Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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