hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
