he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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