it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
