Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
