got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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