i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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