I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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