the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
