If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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