i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Randomize
