So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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