Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
