just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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