There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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