I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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