well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
