Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Randomize
