Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
is that a dick in a sweater?
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