Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(813): View more from Florida

My mind said no, but my drink said yes.

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(425): View more from Washington

Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(660): View more from Missouri

He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(360): View more from Washington

Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.

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(650): View more from California

Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?

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