She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
