I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Randomize
