I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
