How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Randomize
