Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
