dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
