Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
