I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
