Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
