I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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