How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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