Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
