Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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