If i come over, it means nothing
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize