just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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