the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
