I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
