So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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