I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
