I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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