maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
