There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
