remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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