Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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