I don't usually arrange sex via text message
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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