I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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