Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I enjoy the company of your penis
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