she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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