"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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