I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
