My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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