he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
