I wish you could order shots online.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
