I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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