drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
