the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
