literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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