Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
