I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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