Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
