battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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