I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
