Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
