Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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