I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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